Just thought I would share some things I’ve learned.
1. You can literally feel the moment your heart breaks over and over if you allow yourself to slow down and sit with it, which you have to do.
2. A lot of people will surprise you with their kindness and sometimes, it’s unexpected people. A lot of people will shock you with their shittiness. Thankfully for us we have had more of the kindness than anything.
3. Sobbing in the grocery store is a common thing with grieving Moms. It comes from no longer having to buy that one extra pizza, or one extra box of fish because the boy ate more than us.
4. Sobbing can literally hit at any time. It may be the glance at a toddler with blonde hair, the kindness you see someone do for someone else, the parent being hurtful to their child or ridiculing them when we would give the world to have ours back, a song on the radio, a sunset, a sunrise, a smell, etc that brings it all back.
5. Signs from loved ones who have passed are real. You can really smell them, receive signs, feel them in your half awake state, pennies in your path, rainbows in unexpected places, songs at just the right time. You just have to be open to seeing them.
6. People really don’t know what to say and sometimes say the strangest things in the place of silence. I’d rather have a hug and the silence than an “everything happens for a reason.”
7. You can find true soul friends when you have all experienced the absolute worst thing in life. They are truly the only other people who know what you have been through and can relate fully.
8. I’ve learned I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. Some days it literally takes every ounce of energy just to get out of bed. My sister said one day, “You’ve already made it through the worst day of your life. You can do this.” I don’t know if she knew it would stick with me but it has. Love you Trish.
9. There is no shame in taking medications to help deal with the loss. Sometimes when you can’t take another breath you have to.
10. Social anxiety can be acquired at the age of 41 after a traumatic experience. It’s the fear of the question. “How many kids do you have and where do they go to school?” I’m thankful to have a friend who helped me know how to answer it.
11. You can feel so lonely in a crowded space. I was never like that before. I liked people. I talked to strangers, I held other people’s kids so they could check out at the store. Now, I tend to avoid eye contact for fear of crying.
I’m sure I’ll make another list sometime soon. This post is weird and random and blah.