This post has been a couple of weeks in the making. I contemplated not posting it and keeping it private but it is what it is. This is your warning if you don’t want to read it as it’s sad.
April 30, 2010 – Strawberry Shortcake Fun
I’ve had a rough past few days. I try to keep the mask on when it’s just Sarah and I at home but, as soon as Jonathan comes home it disappears and I cry. I cry in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep. It’s no wonder I’m exhausted mentally and physically. I think it may be because we are getting some things finalized regarding Zachary. We got the plaque for his bench approved and are waiting on the paperwork from Rogers State to officially get the Zachary A. Jennings Memorial Endowment Scholarship started. The ME bill has passed the House and is back to the Senate for a final vote before the Governor’s desk. It’s just a lot that is getting done and it’s a reminder that life is still going on without the boy here.
All I want is one more hug. One more chance to see his blue eyes and long eyelashes. One more chance to brush his hair from his eyes. When we got his ME report, some of his hair was 7″ long. I wish I could go back and cut a chunk off to have forever. It was a beautiful shade of dark blonde and gold. I didn’t think of it at the time in my state of shock. I wish I could smell him. It sounds gross but the smell of boy is something that is truly missed. I wish I could have another talk with him to hear his voice. I wish I could hear his phone playing YouTube as loud as he could while grabbing snacks in the kitchen. It used to irritate me but I miss his noise. I wish I could sing in the car one more time to “Call Me Maybe” or One Direction to embarrass his sister. I wish I could hear him rap all of the song “Fancy”.
I have recordings off his cell phone where he sang bits of songs from Tally Hall. I listened to them the other morning because I wanted to hear him. I now listen to that band a lot. Knowing he was enjoying their music while in his dorm room brings me a little closeness to him. I miss his messiness. I miss finding wrappers shoved into the couch as little reminders of him. I miss finding holy socks because with anxiety he had a tendency to pull one thread, and then another and another till the sock was destroyed. It’s the small things that as a parent, you take for granted. I cried over a shredded sock that I found today in the dreaded sock basket. I’m so grateful that my husband totally gets it.
Anyway, this upcoming week will be a good one. I am volunteering and doing the Free Mom Hugs Tour stop in Tulsa in Zachary’s memory.
I miss you and love you buddy. ~ Mommy
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