Since Zachary passed away, I feel this strong connection to the sky. It’s a connection to the clouds, the sun, sunbeams specifically, sunsets, etc. I used to never get emotionally moved by the sky. Now, all it takes is a beautiful sunbeam and I can be moved to tears. Tonight, as Jonathan and I were outside, I looked up to the sky and started to cry. I think it is knowing that Zachary is on the opposite side of the sky looking down on us that does it to me. It literally moves my spirit and moves my heart. My heart bursts and it comes out as teardrops down my cheeks.
Jonathan and I were talking about how we feel Zachary all around us. Sometimes it can be the perfectly timed song, the button his cat will find and be hitting around on the floor, a penny in my path, his Hot Topic card in the middle of the floor after talking about going to the mall the night before. We feel him near. You may not believe in signs from loved ones who have passed but, I do. I recognize them and I am thankful for them. We have had too many things happen for them not to be from Zachary.
May 24, 2011 storm season
We also talked about moving on from the “Why?” as even if we knew why, it wouldn’t change that our son is no longer here. It wouldn’t change the broken hearts in our chest and the constant longing for our son who has passed away. It doesn’t diminish all the anger I feel towards God right now but it does help eliminate one question.
I cried during our whole conversation because I just miss him so. When we were finishing up talking, two little blonde haired sisters came riding up on the sidewalk and stopped before our driveway. Their parents were pushing a baby in a stroller about a house back. I started talking to the girls from the garage and told them they were being good girls waiting for their parents and asked if they got wet in the rain. Their parents caught up to them and when they were leaving I told them bye. They both said bye and as they got past our driveway, the little sister yelled , “Bye, I love you.” and continued to yell I love you as she rode down the sidewalk. At that moment and in that time, that was a perfectly sent message from the boy. That was a, “Mommy, I’m okay.” message. That was an “I’m still around you and thank you for acknowledging it” moment. That was a, “Mommy, I love you.” I didn’t realize how much I miss those four words. “Mommy, I love you.”
Zachary, I love you too. ~ Mommy
Zachary being weather aware
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt