I used to never cancel plans and I used to never be late. I hated being late places and usually tried to get there five minutes early. I used to never cancel plans either as I thought it was rude and inconsiderate. One thing I’ve learned in dealing with grief is “best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”.
You see, that’s the thing about grief. You absolutely have no control over when it is going to hit or how hard it is going to knock you on your rear. I thought Zachary’s Birthday would be absolutely horrendous and it turns out, due to anxiety, it was the day before. My husband called me when he got a break from work and I was in the shower doing the deep sob that I think only a Mom of Loss knows.
I thought I would be able to make it to hang out with my “Free Mom Hugs” group at OKC Pride and got hit when I woke up with the deep sobbing. It exploded all over by face, my eyes, snot on my husband’s shoulder, etc. After it hits like that, I am completely exhausted and then it takes all day to “keep it together” for the rest of the day. I started crying again when I saw my Mom.
I had plans to go to my nephews house beforehand to see him and park at his house and walk to Pride, I didn’t even make it to see him. It literally paralysis any desire to want to be social. I’m trying to get through this without having to take Valium as I don’t want to be numbing my way through it. I was able to make it today without it, the day before Zach’s birthday not so much. It was ugly.
We were supposed to go to Christmas Eve service and dinner with our neighbors, didn’t make it. I spent the afternoon bawling. Thankfully my neighbor is a therapist so she completely gets it. She actually thinks we are doing really well which seems crazy to me because I don’t feel that way.
I run late because grief brain (it’s a real thing, google it) makes me forgetful and I don’t pay attention to the time. Or, I realize beforeI’m supposed to walk out the door that I forgot to put deodorant on or I forgot to brush my teeth. Sometimes it is literally the most basic things you forget. It also is not intentional, it is literally how my brain functions.
I saw in one of my grief groups someone post that they asked people to give them till five minutes before to cancel a function. I think that’s a little too late. All I am asking is if I have to cancel on you or if I am running late, please be patient. It is in no way intentional and it is in no way a personal slight against anyone. I just literally never know when I’m going to get hit so I ask for patience and understanding. ~ Love Tamra
Sarah dressed up in Zach’s clothes when she was six. She even put in his glasses!