Yesterday was my first birthday without the boy, Zachary. In true Tamra anxiety fashion, I had a very hard time the two days before my birthday and had a good day (Valium helped) on my birthday. I am not ashamed at all to admit I still have to take Valium to get through some events. When you are a parent, sometimes you have to depend on prescribed chemical help to get through a day for your surviving child and spouse.
My day started with a call asking for Zachary Jennings as soon as I got out of bed. We have not received a single call asking for Zachary since he passed away in November. I was momentarily taken aback and angry and cried. When I get angry, I cry. I cried and let the poor girl on the other end have it. I’m kind of embarassed today over being rude to her as being rude is not in my nature. This caused me to get back in bed and let some of the tears out so I could start my day. Thankfully, my husband was able to turn it around and help me see the joy in hearing his name said by someone else’s lips.
Sarah made up her mind that she was making me a cake from scratch this year. This is her very first attempt. Jonathan took her to Hobby Lobby for cake decorating supplies and to the grocery store to buy every ingredient so she would be set. They spent the night before baking the cake and making the frosting. It had to set overnight to cool and she finished icing it on my birthday. The results are amazing. It is probably one of the best cakes I have ever eaten and that is not just the Mom in me talking. It is wonderful.
Jonathan and Sarah gave me three days of birthday presents and made my day truly special. I did cry when there were only two people singing me Happy Birtjday and my birthday wish was spent on my daughter wishing she goes through life with a healthy heart.
I don’t really believe in praying for things that much anymore. We prayed our asses off on the way to the hospital and it did no good. I can only make wishes. I don’t believe God specifically intervenes to save one persons life over the next persons life. I dare anyone to say that to my face. I would probably punch them right on the kisser. I don’t know really what I believe God ha does anymore. I do believe in Heaven as I know our son is there. I just don’t really know exactly how involved God is in life.
I waited awhile to post this because I’ve been in a funk. I even contemplated just deleting it. Oh well, life goes by and the presence in front of me is more important than finishing a blog post.
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