So the last few weeks have really been a struggle. I’m really really great at putting on a brave face for the world to see. I put on my make-up. I dry my hair. I get dressed. I smile. I crack jokes and laugh. I wear jewelry. Really though, I just want to stay in bed with my eyes shut and pretend the world isn’t moving on without our Zachary.
School is getting ready to start. We are taking a family vacation that Zachary was supposed to go on with us. People are moving forward in their lives and moving on and we are getting ready to hit the nine month mark of Zachary’s passing away.
One part of the struggle is seeing life still going. Seeing kids be excited about starting college. Parents posting pics of their kids moving to the dorms. I was one of those parents last year. I was a completely different person last year. I will never be that Mom again who moved her kid to the dorms full of hopes and dreams for them. I will now be the Mom who has an anxiety attack over her daughter not feeling well and having to go to the doctor. I can only pray that these get better as Sarah gets older. I know when she moves into dorms, I will completely fall apart. I will constantly have that fear of something happening to Sarah. I try not to let her know as that is a lot for a little girl to handle and not fair.
Another part of the struggle is hitting the nine month mark. As a Mom, we get to carry these beautiful babies for nine months and keep them from everyone else. We get to enjoy being pregnant. We get to enjoy carrying that life inside us and share in that life before anyone else. We get to feel them move before everyone else. We get to share their hiccups. We get to have the fear of giving birth only to have it be the most beautiful thing in the world as soon as you see that precious face for the first time. When you see that face and hear that cry, everything disappears. You become a Mother after nine months.
I never in my entire life thought I would be grieving the loss of my son after he passed away of natural causes at 18 years old. It’s amazing how much you change as a pregnant mother and how much you change as a grieving mother at the nine month mark. At the nine month grief mark, I can cry at the drop of the hat. I get overwhelmed with not only sadness but, I get overwhelmed by things that are beautiful. I’ve cried over how pretty a cat is. I’ve cried over a dragonfly dancing around my car. I’ve cried over the beauty of the sky, the sun, clouds, sun rays, rain. I’ve cried at the perfectly timed song. I’ve cried glancing at our daughter across the room and had my breath away at her loveliness. It truly changes how you look at everything.
I do also have my moments where I have a flash and my breath is taken away and I collapse in tears with the horrible deep down sobbing Mom cry that is probably one of the worst sounds in the world. Thankfully, this tends to happen when I am alone and a lot of times, in the shower. I think it’s the vulnerability of the shower that makes the tears flow so easily. I have my moments where a glance at his pic will do me in. A simple pic in TimeHop can knock the wind out of my sails but, I wouldn’t trade having pics of those memories for anything in the world.
I will never be sad that I got to be his Mommy.
So today, I’ll wake up. I’ll drink my coffee. I’ll shower. I’ll put on my face. I’ll dry my hair. I’ll get dressed and I’ll smile even though my heart is breaking.
Zachary’s smile after getting a set of braces off.
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