Grief can be complicated?

Yes.  You read that right. Grief is considered complicated when it severely affects you for longer than six months. SIX MONTHS!!!!  I don’t know any mother in my online support groups who hasn’t been majorly affected for longer than six months.  Add to this adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features and I have A LOT of work to do on myself.  

We have the absolute best doctor in the world. I scheduled an appointment for a bite on my neck not realizing I was really needing to talk to him. He saw right through my original reason (although I did have to get medicine for my neck) and knew why I was really there.  

The week before Disney was extremely busy.  We went on vacation and when we came back, Jonathan and I were both sick for like a week. I tried to get back into jogging after that week and couldn’t do it due not being able to breathe. I can literally feel myself slowly creeping down the rabbit hole and went to my doctor before I hit what I assume people would call “rock bottom.”  I literally felt like I am circling the drain. My doc and I talked, made some medicine changes and I start a child Loss class on Wednesday nights till December. 

He was shocked I hadn’t joined a grief class already. I tried one. It didn’t go so well. It wasn’t specifically for child Loss but a general grief class. While I was talking, one man remembered hearing of Zachary’s death on the news, one man ran out of the room crying, and sitting there listening to a woman cry over losing her 95yr old grandmother made me feel like an asshole because in my head, my grief is harder than hers. That’s not fair to her and on me completely. I never went back after that day.  

Yes, sometimes my grief makes me a selfish person because I see things differently than anyone who hasn’t gone through it. What may be a huge deal in one persons life, I think is the dumbest thing ever (also completely normal).  Your child is being a jerk, at least you still have   your child.  Your child is moving to college, at least they get to come home. I don’t want people tiptoeing around me. I’m just putting these out there. Please know nothing is on you and your reactions are completely normal. It is my reactions that I have to work on so I apologize if I’m ever an ass to you. 

Considering how we lost the boy suddenly due to his undetected heart tumor and seeing them doing CPR in the hospital ER, our doc said I’m doing pretty great. I just need help learning some coping skills. I will be the first person to admit I have to take anxiety medicine every day and I have emergency breakthrough medicine for when I get walloped. Sometimes when Sarah walks out of the house, my head thinks “there goes my entire world”.   Or watching her run my head watches her to make sure she doesn’t collapse. Hearing people talk about heart issues, seeing breathing tubes on tv even though they are fake and I know they are fake, my head doesn’t see them as fake and it reacts. Seeing fake CPR performed, even though I know it’s fake, my body goes into flight mode and wants to exit and cry immediately.  These are all small things that I have to work through and I’ll get there. 

I guess the point of this blog today is to just put it out there. I am struggling. I am on medication and I am getting help. Child Loss grief shouldn’t have a “time line” put on it. It sucks and will suck for the rest of my life. I’ve just got to learn the right tools to be able to make it through every single day without falling apart and without pushing my friends and family away (wink at my sister for putting up with my ass).  

Love to you all who take the time to read this and I love and miss you Buddy ~ Mommy

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt 

The faces of grief we hide

So I haven’t written in awhile. I guess it’s because I’m in a weird place in my grief. I go between having a good day to crying when I fall asleep and crying when I wake up. Then I’m able to get myself together and go throughout my day but BAM.  I’ll hear a song the boy loved and it all falls apart. 

Today it was “Ride” by Twentyone Pilots. See, Zachary was riding his skateboard listening to music when he collapsed due to sudden cardiac arrest from cardiac arrhythmia from an undetected rare heart tumor.  I’m sure I’ve covered that before but that’s what happened. He was simply out enjoying his college campus on a sunny beautiful day when BAM. “Ride” is the song I imagine him skating to Heaven to. 

The lyrics to the song are the boy. He loved the warmth of the sun, he thought too much as he had anxiety and depression, he loved to ride his skateboard around campus. On the day he passed, I had tried to get him to come home early and hang out. That was at 3:08 pm. He was found at 3:40 pm outside the library. He texted me back that he just wanted to hang around campus.  We are glad he did as he would have either just gotten home or had been driving when it happened.  He got medical care faster on campus than he would have gotten at home and we are so thankful for all of the workers who tried to save him. 

Anyway, back to grief.  So, this morning I was getting ready and drying my hair when it hit me. Here are a few faces of grief you don’t see. You see us when we leave our house with our make up on perfect, always with waterproof mascara.  You see us and you think, “wow, she is so strong” or “I could never survive if something like that happened to me.”  Guess what, you could and you would and the below would be your face. 

The first pic is of the usual looking up at the lights trying to breath and make yourself stop before you succumb to it.

The second pic is when you realize you are falling into it and it’s not going to be an easy stop. It’s going to be a collapsed on the bathroom floor holding your head in your hands sobbing fest. 

The last pic is what you have to contend with when you are done crumbling, you pick yourself back up off the ground and you decide you have to get ready for the day.  We don’t have the option of just staying and wallowing all day. Most of us have other children, husbands, some jobs, etc that we have to do. 

It’s not easy making up a face that looks like that. Today I literally just ended up wearing some mascara and lipgloss and called it a day. I had no patience or time for putting on makeup. By the time I was done crying, I was exhausted and am fighting to sleep at 9:00 pm.  We hide these faces from the world because honestly, who wants to see those faces. They aren’t pretty and lovely to look at. They are painful, raw and ugly. 

I guess the story of this post is that you don’t see and you really don’t know unless it is happening to you. Before Zachary moved on, I felt absolutely horrible for parents who lost a child  but what can you do. Since Zachary passed away, there isn’t a day that goes by where he is not missed and tears are held back. I’m hoping it gets easier after the one year mark as every month won’t seem like the first of its month. 

I am starting a Parent Loss Grief class next week that lasts till Christmas so it will help me get through the one year and holidays. I only be writing a post for the 10 month mark as that is Sunday and I just don’t feel like it. 

We will end this post with a cute pic of Zachary. That way, you will forget my ugly crying faces that I felt were important for people to see. 

Zachary at 14yrs old with new glasses. He didn’t really like contacts and liked to be able to “hide” behind glasses. 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt