Yes. You read that right. Grief is considered complicated when it severely affects you for longer than six months. SIX MONTHS!!!! I don’t know any mother in my online support groups who hasn’t been majorly affected for longer than six months. Add to this adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features and I have A LOT of work to do on myself.
We have the absolute best doctor in the world. I scheduled an appointment for a bite on my neck not realizing I was really needing to talk to him. He saw right through my original reason (although I did have to get medicine for my neck) and knew why I was really there.
The week before Disney was extremely busy. We went on vacation and when we came back, Jonathan and I were both sick for like a week. I tried to get back into jogging after that week and couldn’t do it due not being able to breathe. I can literally feel myself slowly creeping down the rabbit hole and went to my doctor before I hit what I assume people would call “rock bottom.” I literally felt like I am circling the drain. My doc and I talked, made some medicine changes and I start a child Loss class on Wednesday nights till December.
He was shocked I hadn’t joined a grief class already. I tried one. It didn’t go so well. It wasn’t specifically for child Loss but a general grief class. While I was talking, one man remembered hearing of Zachary’s death on the news, one man ran out of the room crying, and sitting there listening to a woman cry over losing her 95yr old grandmother made me feel like an asshole because in my head, my grief is harder than hers. That’s not fair to her and on me completely. I never went back after that day.
Yes, sometimes my grief makes me a selfish person because I see things differently than anyone who hasn’t gone through it. What may be a huge deal in one persons life, I think is the dumbest thing ever (also completely normal). Your child is being a jerk, at least you still have your child. Your child is moving to college, at least they get to come home. I don’t want people tiptoeing around me. I’m just putting these out there. Please know nothing is on you and your reactions are completely normal. It is my reactions that I have to work on so I apologize if I’m ever an ass to you.
Considering how we lost the boy suddenly due to his undetected heart tumor and seeing them doing CPR in the hospital ER, our doc said I’m doing pretty great. I just need help learning some coping skills. I will be the first person to admit I have to take anxiety medicine every day and I have emergency breakthrough medicine for when I get walloped. Sometimes when Sarah walks out of the house, my head thinks “there goes my entire world”. Or watching her run my head watches her to make sure she doesn’t collapse. Hearing people talk about heart issues, seeing breathing tubes on tv even though they are fake and I know they are fake, my head doesn’t see them as fake and it reacts. Seeing fake CPR performed, even though I know it’s fake, my body goes into flight mode and wants to exit and cry immediately. These are all small things that I have to work through and I’ll get there.
I guess the point of this blog today is to just put it out there. I am struggling. I am on medication and I am getting help. Child Loss grief shouldn’t have a “time line” put on it. It sucks and will suck for the rest of my life. I’ve just got to learn the right tools to be able to make it through every single day without falling apart and without pushing my friends and family away (wink at my sister for putting up with my ass).
Love to you all who take the time to read this and I love and miss you Buddy ~ Mommy