So I haven’t written in awhile. I guess it’s because I’m in a weird place in my grief. I go between having a good day to crying when I fall asleep and crying when I wake up. Then I’m able to get myself together and go throughout my day but BAM. I’ll hear a song the boy loved and it all falls apart.
Today it was “Ride” by Twentyone Pilots. See, Zachary was riding his skateboard listening to music when he collapsed due to sudden cardiac arrest from cardiac arrhythmia from an undetected rare heart tumor. I’m sure I’ve covered that before but that’s what happened. He was simply out enjoying his college campus on a sunny beautiful day when BAM. “Ride” is the song I imagine him skating to Heaven to.
The lyrics to the song are the boy. He loved the warmth of the sun, he thought too much as he had anxiety and depression, he loved to ride his skateboard around campus. On the day he passed, I had tried to get him to come home early and hang out. That was at 3:08 pm. He was found at 3:40 pm outside the library. He texted me back that he just wanted to hang around campus. We are glad he did as he would have either just gotten home or had been driving when it happened. He got medical care faster on campus than he would have gotten at home and we are so thankful for all of the workers who tried to save him.
Anyway, back to grief. So, this morning I was getting ready and drying my hair when it hit me. Here are a few faces of grief you don’t see. You see us when we leave our house with our make up on perfect, always with waterproof mascara. You see us and you think, “wow, she is so strong” or “I could never survive if something like that happened to me.” Guess what, you could and you would and the below would be your face.
The first pic is of the usual looking up at the lights trying to breath and make yourself stop before you succumb to it.
The second pic is when you realize you are falling into it and it’s not going to be an easy stop. It’s going to be a collapsed on the bathroom floor holding your head in your hands sobbing fest.
The last pic is what you have to contend with when you are done crumbling, you pick yourself back up off the ground and you decide you have to get ready for the day. We don’t have the option of just staying and wallowing all day. Most of us have other children, husbands, some jobs, etc that we have to do.
It’s not easy making up a face that looks like that. Today I literally just ended up wearing some mascara and lipgloss and called it a day. I had no patience or time for putting on makeup. By the time I was done crying, I was exhausted and am fighting to sleep at 9:00 pm. We hide these faces from the world because honestly, who wants to see those faces. They aren’t pretty and lovely to look at. They are painful, raw and ugly.
I guess the story of this post is that you don’t see and you really don’t know unless it is happening to you. Before Zachary moved on, I felt absolutely horrible for parents who lost a child but what can you do. Since Zachary passed away, there isn’t a day that goes by where he is not missed and tears are held back. I’m hoping it gets easier after the one year mark as every month won’t seem like the first of its month.
I am starting a Parent Loss Grief class next week that lasts till Christmas so it will help me get through the one year and holidays. I only be writing a post for the 10 month mark as that is Sunday and I just don’t feel like it.
We will end this post with a cute pic of Zachary. That way, you will forget my ugly crying faces that I felt were important for people to see.
Zachary at 14yrs old with new glasses. He didn’t really like contacts and liked to be able to “hide” behind glasses.
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