Hell Week for a grieving Mom

Forgive any spelling or grammatical errors, my hands don’t always want to work correctly. 

Well, here we are. One week before the one year anniversary of Zachary moving onto Heaven before us.  Unless you have been a loss parent, you cannot even imagine to believe the hell it is to live after the loss of a child.  You have no clue how it is to wake up every day and have to remember that your child died.  You have to make it through the day with the “mask” on so you don’t get asked all day what is wrong. All you honestly want to reply is “what the hell do you think is wrong” but, that gets frowned upon. No matter what the situation is, we are expected to still move through life. We have no choice. So I thought I would just write a weeklong post about the week before and title it “Hell Week.” 
#8:  Yesterday was technically eight days before but, it should be written about. I forgot to take my medication before I left the house. This is my regular medication, not my emergency medication. I ended up starting a meltdown at Target and my body went into “fight or flight” mode. I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest and my body was ready to just run away.  I was able to bring myself back together to make it home. When I got home, I burnt some incense, put on some Tranquility oil and took both my emergency medicine and my regular medicine. In the meantime, my body decided to bring back the hives. That’s the thing with holding emotions in. I hive it up. 

I took a shower, got ready and went and worked the event at the OKEQ that I was expected at. I did it.  I pulled myself together and participated in a task. It felt great.  I came home to an unhappy household as everyone wanted me home. 

#7: So this day has suckdideeluicked. I woke up okay, Jonathan left for work, I showered and fell apart at home alone. I’m talking the ugly wailing bawl that I truly believe anyone who has been around a Loss Mom can recognize. There is a longing to it that is so ultimately pathetic sounding but, I had to let it out. I got ready and went to lunch with Jonathan. We ate lunch and by the time my medication kicked in, I laid down on his couch and slept for two hours. I woke up and had to hurry home to be a Mom to Sarah. We went to get her hair cut and buy some product. 

When we got home, I was too exhausted to cook dinner so we ordered fast food and it was movie night. We’ve been watching movies as a family together as it’s an escape from what we are facing. 

#6:  It’s bedlam day. We used to have parties with neighbors when the kids were little. I miss those distractions today. It’s been a fine day. It’s been foggy which always affects my mood. It made me sad and groggy. I did manage a small trip to the store today which was a miracle. 

We watched the football game off and on. Jonathan has been a little short but has been quick to apologize. Sarah has spent all day upstairs. 

After dinner, I had an epic meltdown so I had to take the second half of my emergency medication. The meltdown led to me in the fetal position on the bed clinging to Zachary’s favorite shirt. When it gets warm, it still smells of him…..still.  I know it’s disgusting but I refuse to wash it. I also refuse to wash the laundry bin from his dorm room. I can’t bring myself to wash some of him away yet. I’m sure I’ll pass out soon which is why I don’t like taking medication. I am slathered in Stress Away oil hoping to keep the hives at bay. 

#5:  This day a year ago, we had the best day with the boy as a family. 

We went to Gamestop, ate dinner, went to a movie. There was no fighting about how he had started “No Shave November” in October or how his hair was 8″ long in some spots. It was just a great fantastic day that I will always have fond memories of. 

I ended my night in tears.  Okay let’s be honest. I cried off and on all day. 

#6:  Sunday came and the boy left to go back to college. He came up behind me and gave me the best hug before he left. That was Zach. He gave the best hugs.  He hugged you like it was literally going to be the last hug he ever gave you. I wish I had known as I wouldn’t have let him go. 

Back to college he went.  He claimed he had done his laundry on campus, I still doubt this as I have a hamper full of stinky boy clothes. I never knew I would cling to that smell. The smell of sunshine on your kids head and clothes. 

Today for me has just been terrible. I still have the hives on my chest. My heart literally aches. I’m taking anxiety medication and my emergency medication and the tears still flow if I think about the big longer than a few seconds. I started thinking about how today was the last day a year ago I got to physically touch him. I have cried tonight when Jonathan got home from work. We are watching a movie now and all I want to do is sleep. I’m an awful Mom today as I’ve been okay with Sarah just disappearing upstairs and doing her own thing just so I don’t have to deal. That’s a terrible Mom move right there. 

I did manage to cook a good dinner which everyone ate seconds of so bonus for that.  After dinner, I slept because if I sleep at least I’m not crying. While i slept, Jonathan was sweet and got up and swept the entire downstairs hardwood floor for me. I love that husband of mine. 

Here are our texts from Nov 6, 2016. Just normal conversation with the boy. I miss him dearly. 

It’s just the little every day things. The little “Hi Mommy”s that I miss the most. 
Since this is such a long post, it will be continued tomorrow. 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #foreverahillcat

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