Hell week continued….

#4:  Jonathan forced me to wake up this morning. I would have been perfectly happy all day staying in bed and stealing the covers.  

 Apparently I’ve woken up combative today. I’ve taken things other people have posted on FB and taken it personally. I need to “chill out” or it’s going to be a looooong day of fight mode and I’m too exhausted for that.  I decided to channel some energy into mopping, vacuuming the stairs, etc. Sarah has counseling at 4:00 pm so I have to shower. 

After showering, I heard this song on Zachary’s “thumbprint playlist”. He had liked it sometime ago but I couldn’t help but to think of the boy. It basically says “Rejoice, though everything stinks and you will die someday.” It’s just so hard to rejoice over anything. 

Sarah is back in counseling and I’m waiting. The drive home took forever and as a result I’m anxious and not here. Goodnight blog. 

#3:  I actually woke up not dreading the day which is a miracle. It helps I’m being preventative and taking my medication like I am supposed to this week. Jonathan got off to work. I listened to boy songs while I got ready and went to volunteer. While I’m at the front desk, I can’t help but go back and look at texts between the boy and I. Today a year ago was such an anxiety day for him after the election. 

I had four people stop into the center just to come in and say hi and give me hugs as they know what Friday is. A few tears were shed and that’s okay. There is nothing with crying in public. I came home, cooked dinner and slept. My body has slept hard all week for three hours at night. I mean hard there is no waking me hard. Oh well, I did manage to eat one-quarter of a pumpkin pie by myself. No shame in my eating game this week. No tears tonight but I’m sure by tomorrow some will come. 

#2:  Jonathan is off work today. It’s been an okay day. I mopped the floor so I didn’t have to really think. It was a mindless activity. Jonathan has played Xbox most of the day. Sarah had been at school. She gets home soon. We are supposed to go to her softball banquet tonight but I don’t know how she will feel about going. 

Today is the last day I ever heard Zachary’s voice on the phone. I had called him randomly and he actually answered his phone. We had texted during the day and he was struggling with anxiety today due to the election results. I just wanted to talk to him and tell him everything was going to be okay. We talked for about 20 minutes. I got him to calm down. He was upset over something someone posted on FB so I told him to just get off FB for awhile and enjoy his night. He did. He actually listened to me.  He took his anxiety medicine, got off FB and enjoyed his night and next day. 

We went to Sarah’s Softball banquet and had a good time. We felt it was important to make her go. I did great till they played a sad song at the end showing the Seniors pics. I excused myself to the restroom to let some tears out and came back when it was over. I didn’t want to hold it in and break out in hives for a second time today. When we got home, I let some more tears out and cut messages for Zachary’s balloon Release tomorrow.  I always tried to remember to tell him “Goodnight Buddy” at night so he went to bed remembering someone loved him. 

I’m off to cut more messages and get ready (or as ready as I can be) for tomorrow. We are doing a balloon Release and then heading out to Claremore to tie balloons on his Memorial Bench on campus. 

Till tomorrow.  It’s getting its own blog. 

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