One year later 

Well today is the day. It’s been one year since I last texted the boy. I asked him if he wanted to come early from college for the weekend and he wanted to stay. Our last text was at 3:08 pm. If you read the below messages, parents, make sure your kids know you love them and you support them NO MATTER WHAT!!!  No matter your religious beliefs if they are LGBT+, love your children…PERIOD.  
We take comfort in knowing that no matter what, Zachary knew we had his back and most of all, he was loved beyond all measure.  He was loved his entire life and never knew a time of rejection from his family.  How comforting as parents to rest knowing your kid knew he was loved.

As the house is quiet and I’m drinking my coffee, I look back and know I would not exchange one ounce of this pain to not have had him. Being his Mom for 18 years was one of the best privileges in my entire life. He taught me to be a Mom before we had Sarah. He taught me so much that I could use the dictionary and type most of it here but I won’t. What a privilege to have loved something so pure and sweet!  He was no perfect child but he was ours and we miss him so.

We started the day watching a police chase. It was a good two hours of completely mind-numbing television on the iPhone. After getting ready, Jonathan went and aired up all the balloons for the balloon release. We had so many messages we had to double some up. Cedrick, Zachary’s boyfriend when he passed, came over and Zach’s best friend here Nikolai with his girlfriend came over to help. It was good for Sarah to have them around. We said a prayer and let the balloons go.

After this, we ate lunch and headed to Rogers State to tie balloons on his Memorial Bench. We met some of the staff there. They had left a sign and some pics out by the bench. It was nice to see Zachary was remembered.

When we got home, I cooked one of Zach’s meals he loved and we all just watched some movies and took it low key. Cedrick spent the night so it was nice to have him in the house with us. I also had lit a memorial candle which burnt the full 24hrs on the 10th.

Cedrick went home later in the next day. That is when I fell apart. It was the first time we had been alone and it happened. I just lost it. The ugly, crying, sobbing tears. I knew I had to let it out though or I would end up in hives. There is nothing wrong with the sobbing. It is therapeutic as you can’t hold all those emotions in.

I had plans to go deeper into the emotional part of the actual day of but I can’t yet. I can’t share the details yet. Maybe one day I will. Who knows. For now, we made it through the one year mark.

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat

3 thoughts on “One year later 

  1. Today my daughter would have turned 22. I lost her less than an hour after she was born. No matter the difference in circumstances, no matter the time between your loss and mine, please know from one mom to another that I share your pain, and you are not alone in your current inability to share the emotional side of today. And it’s perfectly fine if you decide never to share it- we are allowed that bit of selfishness in our grief. Sending my love ❤️


    • Yes. It was just so awful. Things people do not know. Like, we had to have a police officer in the room to make sure we didn’t do anything to his body when we said goodbye because he had to go to the ME since no one knew what happened. I had to ask permission to run my fingers through his hair, etc. So awful. Hugs to you.


      • I can’t even imagine how difficult that was, knowing you must have wanted to pull him tight and hold on, and having to ask permission. He was lucky to have you, especially as a member of the LGBT community. My son is gay, and I support him fully but I know the struggles he faces in society. This post is SO on point as far as always making sure your kids know you love them no matter what! I make sure my boys know they are loved because tomorrow is never promised for any of us. I’m glad your son knew he was loved and supported. In the end, that is what mattered most! Hugs to you too, hang in there ❤️

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