It’s Thanksgiving Day. I woke up before everyone like normal and got the coffee going, made cinnamon rolls and burnt the bottom as usual, etc. I got the day started. Jonathan and Sarah woke up and ate breakfast while late lunch finished cooking.
We ate lunch just fine. It was a little hard not hearing Zachary’s voice say he and Sarah’s traditional prayer so Jonathan and I said it with her. We ate at the table, just the three of us. I don’t know how long it had been since we had done that at home. It was nice but lonely to see the empty chair.
We did not set an empty place setting or have his picture on the table. That would have been too hard on our family. We did light a candle at midnight last night and will leave it burning the full 24hrs of the holiday. We also fed his spirit a little Waldorf which was one of his favorite things and a roll. I learned this custom from my friend Dusty who was one of Zach’s paramedics but now, she is my friend. The tradition of breaking the wishbone is done/finished in our family. Sarah and Zach did this every year and Sarah did not want to do it with me and that is fine as well. We all handle grief in our own way.
(The wishbone split right down the middle this year.)
I took an awesome nap and hopped on my phone. That’s when it hit. Jealousy. It’s a normal grief reaction but, one most people don’t think about. It’s jealousy of seeing brothers and sisters together knowing Sarah will never get that again. Jealousy of seeing Moms with their sons and Dads with their sons. Jealousy of seeing happy four member families, one boy, one girl, smiling their faces off. I worry we will never truly be happy in a pic again. I feel like there will always be this mask on all of our faces hiding how we truly feel.
It’s not the other people’s fault. They are doing nothing wrong. It’s just grief rearing it’s ugly head. I do not begrudge these families at all. I wish that was us still. I would give anything to go back to that. Literally anything but, I know we can’t. It is the three of us and Zachary’s spirit now that keeps us going. It’s knowing that one day, I will see him again in Heaven. Till then, we try to live as happy as we can in his memory. Jealousy and all.
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