Shop a little. Cry a little. Repeat.

This weekend was a great weekend. Even though I had a complete and utter breakdown Saturday night starting in a GameStop, and ending at home even after stopping at McDonalds to pick up dinner, it was great. I’ve learned to accept that breakdowns are going to happen. Sometimes I can rein them back in and sometimes you can’t. It’s fine and life moves on.

Friday night Sarah babysat for the neighbors so Jonathan and I actually went Christmas shopping. That was the first time we had done so in years. We usually take advantage of Amazon to avoid the crowds but, we are trying different things this year. Halfway through our trip, I got a little teary eyed. I know exactly what I think set it off. I saw a stuffed Spider-Man pillow in the home section and they started. Jonathan is always great about helping me get back and I was able to that night. It’s the next day that was sooooooo awful.

Saturday we went to Vintage Stock and GameStop, two of Zachary’s favorite stores. I did okay in Vintage Stock. My body tried to tear up but I controlled it. We finished there and went to GameStop. This is where all rational thinking went to heck in a hand basket however; it was a very normal reaction to the setting we were in. It’s a big step to accept that these will happen and there is nothing wrong or to be embarrassed about. If our cultural was more empathetic, maybe someone would learn to ask if they are okay. In one year, it’s happened three times! That’s it.

While we started to shop, my body realized we had not been back to that GameStop since the weekend before Zachary passed away. We had a great weekend and he and Jonathan bought some games. We hadn’t been back in there since that weekend. My brain realized this and all straight thinking went out the window. The tears started, I went and stared in a corner to let them out. I got myself together and helped JJ finish shopping with a few tears coming here and there. As soon as we hit the car, all bets were off. On came the sobbing, shutting down, hands over your ears and face, ugly crying, bent over at the waist. Any grieving Mother knows exactly what I’m talking about. This lasted the entire car ride to McDonalds, in the drive through lane and on the way home.

Sarah was home getting ready to go to a friend’s house to spend the night so I had to bring it in so I could drive here there and not have her worry about her Mommy all night while at her friends. After dropping her off, I came home and proceeded to fall asleep in my chair as grieving is hard work and freaking exhausting.

Sunday we were going to see a movie but, decided to go down and see Sarah’s Uncle GumGum instead. He was in town from South Carolina. One thing we have learned, is family is most important and it was so great to visit. It got us more in the holiday spirit to see the rest of my family that lives in town Saturday. I made it through the day without crying.

Grief is hard. You shop a little then, you cry a little. It is especially hard during the holidays. So, if you see a woman or man in the middle of a grocery store, mall, anywhere crying, just ask if they need anything. If they say no, ask again. It usually takes twice to get an honest opinion. Also, if you see a woman crying, don’t assume her husband made her cry. That is always Jonathan’s fear is that someone is going to think he made me cry when in all reality, it’s just my body and sometimes it can’t be controlled.

Love to you whoever reads this!

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat #OKEQ #RSU

Memorial Endowment Link Below:

Zachary loved #tron from when he was little. One of my fav memories is seeing the new Tron movie in the George Lucas Theater at Disney World. Sarah fell asleep. Zach was on the edge of his seat.

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