Tonight, I received a text from a friend telling me one of my dear friends lost her niece in an accident. It only takes one text to take you back. One text to make your heart break all over. It doesn’t break for yourself, it breaks knowing there is another Mother and family that you know who has joined the “Loss Club” and it’s the worst place you want to be. It breaks knowing one of your daughter’s best friends has lost a cousin in an extremely close family. It breaks for my friend knowing she has lost a niece as I’ve watched how it has affected my family. It breaks for her Grandparents knowing what it has done to my husbands Dad and Donnie and my parents.
If you haven’t been here, you can’t explain it. There are no words to make it better. Nothing you can say. At this stage, prayers mean crap to you as what good are they when you just lost your child. You said plenty of prayers when you get that call and it doesn’t change anything on the drive to the hospital. It doesn’t bring them back. You don’t eat. My sister had to force liquids down me as my lips were so chapped that they were almost bleeding.
I will prob never share the actual events of the hospital because it’s too painful and too personal. All grief is painful. There is just a second process when it is a sudden death. There’s the extra shock factor that takes a long time to get over. We are a little over a year in and I still have days that it doesn’t seem possible. Some days my brain still pretends he’s at college and is just a short drive away and then, I remember. I still have moments my brain thinks to text something funny to him and, I then remember. Moments a friend will see someone who looks just like him and, she has to take a second look. Moments you see a car like his and it takes your breath away.
As I go to bed, the tears will come again tonight. Partly for them, partly for me as it brings back that phone call and drive to the hospital. No parent should have to lose a child. I won’t say bury because we don’t all bury. No grandparent should lose a grandchild, no aunt and uncle should lose a niece or nephew, no brother or sister should lose a sibling. It guts you to the core and turns your life into before and after. It turns it into “since”. It fucking sucks.
I don’t want prayers or sad emojis coming my way. I just want people to hug their kiddos extra tonight and smell the top of their heads. Tell them you love them one more time than normal.
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat #OKEQ #wemissyouZach #ijustcant
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So yesterday and today have been good days. There have been tears shared but they aren’t necessarily sad tears, more just life moves on without the boy here. Things change. Places change. We change.
Sarah came down last night and asked if she could start using Zachary’s college backpack. We, of course, said yes as anything that was his is hers. This is a big step for her as she will now be carrying something of his everyday.
I remember when he called me from the RSU Bookstore to ask me if he could buy one. His messenger bag wasn’t working as well as a backpack would. He sent me pics asking if he could get it and wanted to make sure it wasn’t too expensive.
I have my texts on save forever so I can go back and reread our conversations.
Back to Sarah, so she is slowly starting to want to have something to do with her brother’s things. It started with some of his T-shirt’s, now it’s his backpack. I’m hoping one day she will want to wear his fingerprint necklace we bought her. It will happen when the time is right for her. We can’t force it. When she is ready, she will want it. We will allow her that time and that grace to handle things on her time as we all move at our own pace.
Miss you Zachary.
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat #OKEQ #wemissyouZach #jansport
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Silly pic sent by one of Zachary’s friends to me this week.
As I lie (or lay, who cares) here in bed this morning, I just got hit with the realization that we are going into 2018 without the boy. They say the second year is worse than the first and I tried my hardest not to believe that was true. I told myself that there was “no way possible” but it is. The second year is harder. Your brain is in less of a fog and the shock has worn off and you are stuck with the realization that it is real. He really is never coming home.
Maybe that is why I have allowed myself to pack 12 lbs on in two months. I’ve been just feeding my grief left and right. Chocolate, salty snacks, sugar cookies (damn #Lofthouse). I won’t say it just happened and I had no clue. I knew exactly what I was doing. I am emotional eater and it’s a way to feel insulated. I insulate myself with large oversized sweaters, thick boots, blankets all the time at home. I insulate so I feel that I am keeping others at a distance. If I keep them at a distance, the tears won’t come and I won’t feel.
This year, I am making it my intention to remember to take care of myself emotionally and physically. I have shut down physically and that directly affects my emotional state. I need to be here for my family, my husband, my daughter. We have formed a neat bond which I am so thankful but, without Mom, it takes more effort.
So I’m putting it out there to hold myself accountable. The past two months have been months of putting the layers on. It’s time to peel them off. It’s time to make the mental decision “just do it” . #nike Tomorrow this Mom gets a reboot. I won’t say a do-over as I’ve needed this time for my heart to feel and not be in the fog. I’ve needed this time to miss “The Boy.” I do know though, Zachary would not want me to be physically miserable. He would not want me to live sad. It’s time to get out there and exist since he cannot.
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat #OKEQ #wemissyouZach #harrystyles #justdoit #Brookesrunning
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