Tonight, I received a text from a friend telling me one of my dear friends lost her niece in an accident. It only takes one text to take you back. One text to make your heart break all over. It doesn’t break for yourself, it breaks knowing there is another Mother and family that you know who has joined the “Loss Club” and it’s the worst place you want to be. It breaks knowing one of your daughter’s best friends has lost a cousin in an extremely close family. It breaks for my friend knowing she has lost a niece as I’ve watched how it has affected my family. It breaks for her Grandparents knowing what it has done to my husbands Dad and Donnie and my parents.
If you haven’t been here, you can’t explain it. There are no words to make it better. Nothing you can say. At this stage, prayers mean crap to you as what good are they when you just lost your child. You said plenty of prayers when you get that call and it doesn’t change anything on the drive to the hospital. It doesn’t bring them back. You don’t eat. My sister had to force liquids down me as my lips were so chapped that they were almost bleeding.
I will prob never share the actual events of the hospital because it’s too painful and too personal. All grief is painful. There is just a second process when it is a sudden death. There’s the extra shock factor that takes a long time to get over. We are a little over a year in and I still have days that it doesn’t seem possible. Some days my brain still pretends he’s at college and is just a short drive away and then, I remember. I still have moments my brain thinks to text something funny to him and, I then remember. Moments a friend will see someone who looks just like him and, she has to take a second look. Moments you see a car like his and it takes your breath away.
As I go to bed, the tears will come again tonight. Partly for them, partly for me as it brings back that phone call and drive to the hospital. No parent should have to lose a child. I won’t say bury because we don’t all bury. No grandparent should lose a grandchild, no aunt and uncle should lose a niece or nephew, no brother or sister should lose a sibling. It guts you to the core and turns your life into before and after. It turns it into “since”. It fucking sucks.
I don’t want prayers or sad emojis coming my way. I just want people to hug their kiddos extra tonight and smell the top of their heads. Tell them you love them one more time than normal.
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