Hey jealousy.

It’s Thanksgiving Day. I woke up before everyone like normal and got the coffee going, made cinnamon rolls and burnt the bottom as usual, etc. I got the day started. Jonathan and Sarah woke up and ate breakfast while late lunch finished cooking.

We ate lunch just fine. It was a little hard not hearing Zachary’s voice say he and Sarah’s traditional prayer so Jonathan and I said it with her. We ate at the table, just the three of us. I don’t know how long it had been since we had done that at home. It was nice but lonely to see the empty chair.

We did not set an empty place setting or have his picture on the table. That would have been too hard on our family. We did light a candle at midnight last night and will leave it burning the full 24hrs of the holiday. We also fed his spirit a little Waldorf which was one of his favorite things and a roll. I learned this custom from my friend Dusty who was one of Zach’s paramedics but now, she is my friend. The tradition of breaking the wishbone is done/finished in our family. Sarah and Zach did this every year and Sarah did not want to do it with me and that is fine as well. We all handle grief in our own way.

(The wishbone split right down the middle this year.)

I took an awesome nap and hopped on my phone. That’s when it hit. Jealousy. It’s a normal grief reaction but, one most people don’t think about. It’s jealousy of seeing brothers and sisters together knowing Sarah will never get that again. Jealousy of seeing Moms with their sons and Dads with their sons. Jealousy of seeing happy four member families, one boy, one girl, smiling their faces off. I worry we will never truly be happy in a pic again. I feel like there will always be this mask on all of our faces hiding how we truly feel.

It’s not the other people’s fault. They are doing nothing wrong. It’s just grief rearing it’s ugly head. I do not begrudge these families at all. I wish that was us still. I would give anything to go back to that. Literally anything but, I know we can’t. It is the three of us and Zachary’s spirit now that keeps us going. It’s knowing that one day, I will see him again in Heaven. Till then, we try to live as happy as we can in his memory. Jealousy and all.

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat #OKEQ

One year later 

Well today is the day. It’s been one year since I last texted the boy. I asked him if he wanted to come early from college for the weekend and he wanted to stay. Our last text was at 3:08 pm. If you read the below messages, parents, make sure your kids know you love them and you support them NO MATTER WHAT!!!  No matter your religious beliefs if they are LGBT+, love your children…PERIOD.  
We take comfort in knowing that no matter what, Zachary knew we had his back and most of all, he was loved beyond all measure.  He was loved his entire life and never knew a time of rejection from his family.  How comforting as parents to rest knowing your kid knew he was loved.

As the house is quiet and I’m drinking my coffee, I look back and know I would not exchange one ounce of this pain to not have had him. Being his Mom for 18 years was one of the best privileges in my entire life. He taught me to be a Mom before we had Sarah. He taught me so much that I could use the dictionary and type most of it here but I won’t. What a privilege to have loved something so pure and sweet!  He was no perfect child but he was ours and we miss him so.

We started the day watching a police chase. It was a good two hours of completely mind-numbing television on the iPhone. After getting ready, Jonathan went and aired up all the balloons for the balloon release. We had so many messages we had to double some up. Cedrick, Zachary’s boyfriend when he passed, came over and Zach’s best friend here Nikolai with his girlfriend came over to help. It was good for Sarah to have them around. We said a prayer and let the balloons go.

After this, we ate lunch and headed to Rogers State to tie balloons on his Memorial Bench. We met some of the staff there. They had left a sign and some pics out by the bench. It was nice to see Zachary was remembered.

When we got home, I cooked one of Zach’s meals he loved and we all just watched some movies and took it low key. Cedrick spent the night so it was nice to have him in the house with us. I also had lit a memorial candle which burnt the full 24hrs on the 10th.

Cedrick went home later in the next day. That is when I fell apart. It was the first time we had been alone and it happened. I just lost it. The ugly, crying, sobbing tears. I knew I had to let it out though or I would end up in hives. There is nothing wrong with the sobbing. It is therapeutic as you can’t hold all those emotions in.

I had plans to go deeper into the emotional part of the actual day of but I can’t yet. I can’t share the details yet. Maybe one day I will. Who knows. For now, we made it through the one year mark.

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat

Hell week continued….

#4:  Jonathan forced me to wake up this morning. I would have been perfectly happy all day staying in bed and stealing the covers.  

 Apparently I’ve woken up combative today. I’ve taken things other people have posted on FB and taken it personally. I need to “chill out” or it’s going to be a looooong day of fight mode and I’m too exhausted for that.  I decided to channel some energy into mopping, vacuuming the stairs, etc. Sarah has counseling at 4:00 pm so I have to shower. 

After showering, I heard this song on Zachary’s “thumbprint playlist”. He had liked it sometime ago but I couldn’t help but to think of the boy. It basically says “Rejoice, though everything stinks and you will die someday.” It’s just so hard to rejoice over anything. 

Sarah is back in counseling and I’m waiting. The drive home took forever and as a result I’m anxious and not here. Goodnight blog. 

#3:  I actually woke up not dreading the day which is a miracle. It helps I’m being preventative and taking my medication like I am supposed to this week. Jonathan got off to work. I listened to boy songs while I got ready and went to volunteer. While I’m at the front desk, I can’t help but go back and look at texts between the boy and I. Today a year ago was such an anxiety day for him after the election. 

I had four people stop into the center just to come in and say hi and give me hugs as they know what Friday is. A few tears were shed and that’s okay. There is nothing with crying in public. I came home, cooked dinner and slept. My body has slept hard all week for three hours at night. I mean hard there is no waking me hard. Oh well, I did manage to eat one-quarter of a pumpkin pie by myself. No shame in my eating game this week. No tears tonight but I’m sure by tomorrow some will come. 

#2:  Jonathan is off work today. It’s been an okay day. I mopped the floor so I didn’t have to really think. It was a mindless activity. Jonathan has played Xbox most of the day. Sarah had been at school. She gets home soon. We are supposed to go to her softball banquet tonight but I don’t know how she will feel about going. 

Today is the last day I ever heard Zachary’s voice on the phone. I had called him randomly and he actually answered his phone. We had texted during the day and he was struggling with anxiety today due to the election results. I just wanted to talk to him and tell him everything was going to be okay. We talked for about 20 minutes. I got him to calm down. He was upset over something someone posted on FB so I told him to just get off FB for awhile and enjoy his night. He did. He actually listened to me.  He took his anxiety medicine, got off FB and enjoyed his night and next day. 

We went to Sarah’s Softball banquet and had a good time. We felt it was important to make her go. I did great till they played a sad song at the end showing the Seniors pics. I excused myself to the restroom to let some tears out and came back when it was over. I didn’t want to hold it in and break out in hives for a second time today. When we got home, I let some more tears out and cut messages for Zachary’s balloon Release tomorrow.  I always tried to remember to tell him “Goodnight Buddy” at night so he went to bed remembering someone loved him. 

I’m off to cut more messages and get ready (or as ready as I can be) for tomorrow. We are doing a balloon Release and then heading out to Claremore to tie balloons on his Memorial Bench on campus. 

Till tomorrow.  It’s getting its own blog. 

Hell Week for a grieving Mom

Forgive any spelling or grammatical errors, my hands don’t always want to work correctly. 

Well, here we are. One week before the one year anniversary of Zachary moving onto Heaven before us.  Unless you have been a loss parent, you cannot even imagine to believe the hell it is to live after the loss of a child.  You have no clue how it is to wake up every day and have to remember that your child died.  You have to make it through the day with the “mask” on so you don’t get asked all day what is wrong. All you honestly want to reply is “what the hell do you think is wrong” but, that gets frowned upon. No matter what the situation is, we are expected to still move through life. We have no choice. So I thought I would just write a weeklong post about the week before and title it “Hell Week.” 
#8:  Yesterday was technically eight days before but, it should be written about. I forgot to take my medication before I left the house. This is my regular medication, not my emergency medication. I ended up starting a meltdown at Target and my body went into “fight or flight” mode. I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest and my body was ready to just run away.  I was able to bring myself back together to make it home. When I got home, I burnt some incense, put on some Tranquility oil and took both my emergency medicine and my regular medicine. In the meantime, my body decided to bring back the hives. That’s the thing with holding emotions in. I hive it up. 

I took a shower, got ready and went and worked the event at the OKEQ that I was expected at. I did it.  I pulled myself together and participated in a task. It felt great.  I came home to an unhappy household as everyone wanted me home. 

#7: So this day has suckdideeluicked. I woke up okay, Jonathan left for work, I showered and fell apart at home alone. I’m talking the ugly wailing bawl that I truly believe anyone who has been around a Loss Mom can recognize. There is a longing to it that is so ultimately pathetic sounding but, I had to let it out. I got ready and went to lunch with Jonathan. We ate lunch and by the time my medication kicked in, I laid down on his couch and slept for two hours. I woke up and had to hurry home to be a Mom to Sarah. We went to get her hair cut and buy some product. 

When we got home, I was too exhausted to cook dinner so we ordered fast food and it was movie night. We’ve been watching movies as a family together as it’s an escape from what we are facing. 

#6:  It’s bedlam day. We used to have parties with neighbors when the kids were little. I miss those distractions today. It’s been a fine day. It’s been foggy which always affects my mood. It made me sad and groggy. I did manage a small trip to the store today which was a miracle. 

We watched the football game off and on. Jonathan has been a little short but has been quick to apologize. Sarah has spent all day upstairs. 

After dinner, I had an epic meltdown so I had to take the second half of my emergency medication. The meltdown led to me in the fetal position on the bed clinging to Zachary’s favorite shirt. When it gets warm, it still smells of him…..still.  I know it’s disgusting but I refuse to wash it. I also refuse to wash the laundry bin from his dorm room. I can’t bring myself to wash some of him away yet. I’m sure I’ll pass out soon which is why I don’t like taking medication. I am slathered in Stress Away oil hoping to keep the hives at bay. 

#5:  This day a year ago, we had the best day with the boy as a family. 

We went to Gamestop, ate dinner, went to a movie. There was no fighting about how he had started “No Shave November” in October or how his hair was 8″ long in some spots. It was just a great fantastic day that I will always have fond memories of. 

I ended my night in tears.  Okay let’s be honest. I cried off and on all day. 

#6:  Sunday came and the boy left to go back to college. He came up behind me and gave me the best hug before he left. That was Zach. He gave the best hugs.  He hugged you like it was literally going to be the last hug he ever gave you. I wish I had known as I wouldn’t have let him go. 

Back to college he went.  He claimed he had done his laundry on campus, I still doubt this as I have a hamper full of stinky boy clothes. I never knew I would cling to that smell. The smell of sunshine on your kids head and clothes. 

Today for me has just been terrible. I still have the hives on my chest. My heart literally aches. I’m taking anxiety medication and my emergency medication and the tears still flow if I think about the big longer than a few seconds. I started thinking about how today was the last day a year ago I got to physically touch him. I have cried tonight when Jonathan got home from work. We are watching a movie now and all I want to do is sleep. I’m an awful Mom today as I’ve been okay with Sarah just disappearing upstairs and doing her own thing just so I don’t have to deal. That’s a terrible Mom move right there. 

I did manage to cook a good dinner which everyone ate seconds of so bonus for that.  After dinner, I slept because if I sleep at least I’m not crying. While i slept, Jonathan was sweet and got up and swept the entire downstairs hardwood floor for me. I love that husband of mine. 

Here are our texts from Nov 6, 2016. Just normal conversation with the boy. I miss him dearly. 

It’s just the little every day things. The little “Hi Mommy”s that I miss the most. 
Since this is such a long post, it will be continued tomorrow. 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #foreverahillcat

The Boy with the Sweetest Soul 

So people who had the honor of knowing Zachary knew he has the biggest heart and sweetest soul of anyone you could ever meet. One of my favorite memories of Zachary was from when he was in middle school. 

At his old school, the leadership class had the privilege of walking with some of the students from The Childrens’ Center in Bethany, OK by helping them to the center of the football field. Zachary was so excited for this night. That just describes Zachary. He was so excited about helping others. That’s when he truly shined.  You can tell in the pics below how he was just beaming. 

Whether it be giving someone the last ten dollars from his wallet or a small trinket, the boy had a heart of gold. Caleb, our neighbor boy, and I were talking about Zachary and how much we miss him. Caleb told me he missed him too and he keeps the fox from Zootopia up in his room because Zachary gave it to him. I said what do you mean?  He proceeded to tell me that Zachary had the fox in his car for the Disney XFiniti and Caleb told him he liked it. Zachary took it out of his car and gave it to Caleb. I never knew that story till that sweet little I believe 3rd grade boy told me about it. 

It makes me wonder how many more small stories of Zachary’s kindness we do not know about. How many more small sweet gestures did he pass on that we are not aware of? How many tiny ripples in the pond of this great big world did he cause?  In our world, those ripples are gigantic.  

How big do you allow others ripples to spread happiness in your heart?  

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt #RSU #RogersStateUniversity #ForeverAHillcat 

Why is everything so heavy?

This past weekend and this week have been a heavy week. Physically and mentally, I have just felt drained of all of my energy. Friday, my dear friend pointed out we are six weeks away from the one year anniversary of Zachary passing away. I knew it was getting close but, I didn’t realize it was THAT close.  I think I have just been in denial that it has been that long since I’ve physically held him and talked to him. 

Also Friday, a young man in Broken Arrow who suffered with depression lost his battle and lost his life. A teacher in Broken Arrow was killed during a robbery protecting his family over the weekend. Then, Monday, the Las Vegas shooting happened. 

All of these things before would have made me sad of course but, after losing your own child, you literally feel the pain the other parents are going through. 

(Zachary age 14)

You can literally feel your heart break all over again as you know the phone call they will receive, in our case, from the hospital telling them to get there fast. You know the disbelief when the doctor is trying to get you to understand what he is saying but you just can’t understand because how can something like that happen?  You know the feeling of running in and demanding to see your child only to be greeted by about eight people and have them try to take you to the chapel instead and you refuse. You know the absolute ripping apart of your heart when you see what CPR actually looks like (hint….it’s nothing like you see on television). Your heart aches for those parents who you know are experiencing the same thing. 

My family doctor worded it perfectly to me at my last visit. He said, “People can empathize with you all day but, unless they’ve been through it, they have no idea.  Even as your doctor, I’ve seen you and Jonathan in here and seen how bad you are but I don’t really understand.  I’ve never lost a child.”  And sadly, it’s true. People can be outraged all day but, unless you’ve walked in our shoes, you truly have no idea how heavy it is. 

I wasn’t able to go volunteer today. It was raining here and the days had just taken their toll on me. I did get up and make myself go to my grief class. It is run by a fellow loss Mom. I don’t think I could go to a counselor who hadn’t lost a child. Just like Dr. Jacob said, they can’t truly get it.  So I went and met another loss Mom and Dad who came. There is something about talking to fellow parents who just get it. You can say whatever and not have to worry about being judged or people thinking you are crazy.  The four of us lost our children in different manners but they were all sudden deaths.  

For an hour and a half, it is just people who all have a tragedy in common who just get each other. It truly helps to lift some of the weight off as I don’t feel like I am shouldering it alone with just Jonathan and my family. I also am so thankful for my “Warrior” loss Moms and Gerald. If you were in our group, you would understand Gerald. They will never understand the load they help me carry everyday by the little messages and sharing of crazy things our kids have done to let us know they are still with us. 

(Zachary, age 17 with Biddie)

I guess the point of this post is that everything can get really heavy some days and it’s okay to take a mental health day.  It’s okay to take a few days and let it out but, you can’t stay there. You have to seek out those who help you. You have to go to grief class. You and to talk with your tribe who truly gets you. You have to seek help or it will always be heavy. The heavy seem to be a little more frequent as we are getting closer to the anniversary date and that’s okay. I’ve got my family, my friends, my Loss Moms, my tribe, and all of you to help carry the load. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you making life less heavy. 

(Zachary, age 13) 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt 

Grief can be complicated?

Yes.  You read that right. Grief is considered complicated when it severely affects you for longer than six months. SIX MONTHS!!!!  I don’t know any mother in my online support groups who hasn’t been majorly affected for longer than six months.  Add to this adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features and I have A LOT of work to do on myself.  

We have the absolute best doctor in the world. I scheduled an appointment for a bite on my neck not realizing I was really needing to talk to him. He saw right through my original reason (although I did have to get medicine for my neck) and knew why I was really there.  

The week before Disney was extremely busy.  We went on vacation and when we came back, Jonathan and I were both sick for like a week. I tried to get back into jogging after that week and couldn’t do it due not being able to breathe. I can literally feel myself slowly creeping down the rabbit hole and went to my doctor before I hit what I assume people would call “rock bottom.”  I literally felt like I am circling the drain. My doc and I talked, made some medicine changes and I start a child Loss class on Wednesday nights till December. 

He was shocked I hadn’t joined a grief class already. I tried one. It didn’t go so well. It wasn’t specifically for child Loss but a general grief class. While I was talking, one man remembered hearing of Zachary’s death on the news, one man ran out of the room crying, and sitting there listening to a woman cry over losing her 95yr old grandmother made me feel like an asshole because in my head, my grief is harder than hers. That’s not fair to her and on me completely. I never went back after that day.  

Yes, sometimes my grief makes me a selfish person because I see things differently than anyone who hasn’t gone through it. What may be a huge deal in one persons life, I think is the dumbest thing ever (also completely normal).  Your child is being a jerk, at least you still have   your child.  Your child is moving to college, at least they get to come home. I don’t want people tiptoeing around me. I’m just putting these out there. Please know nothing is on you and your reactions are completely normal. It is my reactions that I have to work on so I apologize if I’m ever an ass to you. 

Considering how we lost the boy suddenly due to his undetected heart tumor and seeing them doing CPR in the hospital ER, our doc said I’m doing pretty great. I just need help learning some coping skills. I will be the first person to admit I have to take anxiety medicine every day and I have emergency breakthrough medicine for when I get walloped. Sometimes when Sarah walks out of the house, my head thinks “there goes my entire world”.   Or watching her run my head watches her to make sure she doesn’t collapse. Hearing people talk about heart issues, seeing breathing tubes on tv even though they are fake and I know they are fake, my head doesn’t see them as fake and it reacts. Seeing fake CPR performed, even though I know it’s fake, my body goes into flight mode and wants to exit and cry immediately.  These are all small things that I have to work through and I’ll get there. 

I guess the point of this blog today is to just put it out there. I am struggling. I am on medication and I am getting help. Child Loss grief shouldn’t have a “time line” put on it. It sucks and will suck for the rest of my life. I’ve just got to learn the right tools to be able to make it through every single day without falling apart and without pushing my friends and family away (wink at my sister for putting up with my ass).  

Love to you all who take the time to read this and I love and miss you Buddy ~ Mommy

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt 

The faces of grief we hide

So I haven’t written in awhile. I guess it’s because I’m in a weird place in my grief. I go between having a good day to crying when I fall asleep and crying when I wake up. Then I’m able to get myself together and go throughout my day but BAM.  I’ll hear a song the boy loved and it all falls apart. 

Today it was “Ride” by Twentyone Pilots. See, Zachary was riding his skateboard listening to music when he collapsed due to sudden cardiac arrest from cardiac arrhythmia from an undetected rare heart tumor.  I’m sure I’ve covered that before but that’s what happened. He was simply out enjoying his college campus on a sunny beautiful day when BAM. “Ride” is the song I imagine him skating to Heaven to. 

The lyrics to the song are the boy. He loved the warmth of the sun, he thought too much as he had anxiety and depression, he loved to ride his skateboard around campus. On the day he passed, I had tried to get him to come home early and hang out. That was at 3:08 pm. He was found at 3:40 pm outside the library. He texted me back that he just wanted to hang around campus.  We are glad he did as he would have either just gotten home or had been driving when it happened.  He got medical care faster on campus than he would have gotten at home and we are so thankful for all of the workers who tried to save him. 

Anyway, back to grief.  So, this morning I was getting ready and drying my hair when it hit me. Here are a few faces of grief you don’t see. You see us when we leave our house with our make up on perfect, always with waterproof mascara.  You see us and you think, “wow, she is so strong” or “I could never survive if something like that happened to me.”  Guess what, you could and you would and the below would be your face. 

The first pic is of the usual looking up at the lights trying to breath and make yourself stop before you succumb to it.

The second pic is when you realize you are falling into it and it’s not going to be an easy stop. It’s going to be a collapsed on the bathroom floor holding your head in your hands sobbing fest. 

The last pic is what you have to contend with when you are done crumbling, you pick yourself back up off the ground and you decide you have to get ready for the day.  We don’t have the option of just staying and wallowing all day. Most of us have other children, husbands, some jobs, etc that we have to do. 

It’s not easy making up a face that looks like that. Today I literally just ended up wearing some mascara and lipgloss and called it a day. I had no patience or time for putting on makeup. By the time I was done crying, I was exhausted and am fighting to sleep at 9:00 pm.  We hide these faces from the world because honestly, who wants to see those faces. They aren’t pretty and lovely to look at. They are painful, raw and ugly. 

I guess the story of this post is that you don’t see and you really don’t know unless it is happening to you. Before Zachary moved on, I felt absolutely horrible for parents who lost a child  but what can you do. Since Zachary passed away, there isn’t a day that goes by where he is not missed and tears are held back. I’m hoping it gets easier after the one year mark as every month won’t seem like the first of its month. 

I am starting a Parent Loss Grief class next week that lasts till Christmas so it will help me get through the one year and holidays. I only be writing a post for the 10 month mark as that is Sunday and I just don’t feel like it. 

We will end this post with a cute pic of Zachary. That way, you will forget my ugly crying faces that I felt were important for people to see. 

Zachary at 14yrs old with new glasses. He didn’t really like contacts and liked to be able to “hide” behind glasses. 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt 

Nine Months

So the last few weeks have really been a struggle. I’m really really great at putting on a brave face for the world to see. I put on my make-up.  I dry my hair.  I get dressed.  I smile. I crack jokes and laugh.  I wear jewelry.  Really though, I just want to stay in bed with my eyes shut and pretend the world isn’t moving on without our Zachary.  

School is getting ready to start. We are taking a family vacation that Zachary was supposed to go on with us. People are moving forward in their lives and moving on and we are getting ready to hit the nine month mark of Zachary’s passing away. 

One part of the struggle is seeing life still going.  Seeing kids be excited about starting college. Parents posting pics of their kids moving to the dorms. I was one of those parents last year. I was a completely different person last year. I will never be that Mom again who moved her kid to the dorms full of hopes and dreams for them. I will now be the Mom who has an anxiety attack over her daughter not feeling well and having to go to the doctor. I can only pray that these get better as Sarah gets older. I know when she moves into dorms, I will completely fall apart.  I will constantly have that fear of something happening to Sarah. I try not to let her know as that is a lot for a little girl to handle and not fair. 

Another part of the struggle is hitting the nine month mark.  As a Mom, we get to carry these beautiful babies for nine months and keep them from everyone else.  We get to enjoy being pregnant. We get to enjoy carrying that life inside us and share in that life before anyone else.  We get to feel them move before everyone else. We get to share their hiccups. We get to have the fear of giving birth only to have it be the most beautiful thing in the world as soon as you see that precious face for the first time.  When you see that face and hear that cry, everything disappears. You become a Mother after nine months. 

I never in my entire life thought I would be grieving the loss of my son after he passed away of natural causes at 18 years old. It’s amazing how much you change as a pregnant mother and how much you change as a grieving mother at the nine month mark. At the nine month grief mark, I can cry at the drop of the hat. I get overwhelmed with not only sadness but, I get overwhelmed by things that are beautiful. I’ve cried over how pretty a cat is. I’ve cried over a dragonfly dancing around my car. I’ve cried over the beauty of the sky, the sun, clouds, sun rays, rain.  I’ve cried at the perfectly timed song. I’ve cried glancing at our daughter across the room and had my breath away at her loveliness. It truly changes how you look at everything. 

I do also have my moments where I have a flash and my breath is taken away and I collapse in tears with the horrible deep down sobbing Mom cry that is probably one of the worst sounds in the world.  Thankfully, this tends to happen when I am alone and a lot of times, in the shower. I think it’s the vulnerability of the shower that makes the tears flow so easily.  I have my moments where a glance at his pic will do me in. A simple pic in TimeHop can knock the wind out of my sails but, I wouldn’t trade having pics of those memories for anything in the world. 

I will never be sad that I got to be his Mommy. 

So today, I’ll wake up. I’ll drink my coffee. I’ll shower. I’ll put on my face. I’ll dry my hair. I’ll get dressed and I’ll smile even though my heart is breaking. 

Zachary’s smile after getting a set of braces off. 

Staycation at the Philbrook. 

#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt 

My first birthday without the Boy

Yesterday was my first birthday without the boy, Zachary.  In true Tamra anxiety fashion, I had a very hard time the two days before my birthday and had a good day (Valium helped) on my birthday. I am not ashamed at all to admit I still have to take Valium to get through some events. When you are a parent, sometimes you have to depend on prescribed chemical help to get through a day for your surviving child and spouse. 

My day started with a call asking for Zachary Jennings as soon as I got out of bed. We have not received a single call asking for Zachary since he passed away in November.  I was momentarily taken aback and angry and cried. When I get angry, I cry. I cried and let the poor girl on the other end have it. I’m kind of embarassed today over being rude to her as being rude is not in my nature.  This caused me to get back in bed and let some of the tears out so I could start my day. Thankfully, my husband was able to turn it around and help me see the joy in hearing his name said by someone else’s lips. 

Sarah made up her mind that she was making me a cake from scratch this year. This is her very first  attempt. Jonathan took her to Hobby Lobby for cake decorating supplies and to the grocery store to buy every ingredient so she would be set. They spent the night before baking the cake and making the frosting. It had to set overnight to cool and she finished icing it on my birthday. The results are amazing. It is probably one of the best cakes I have ever eaten and that is not just the Mom in me talking. It is wonderful. 

Jonathan and Sarah gave me three days of birthday presents and made my day truly special.  I did cry when there were only two people singing me Happy Birtjday and my birthday wish was spent on my daughter wishing she goes through life with a healthy heart.

I don’t really believe in praying for things that much anymore. We prayed our asses off on the way to the hospital and it did no good.  I can only make wishes. I don’t believe God specifically intervenes to save one persons life over the next persons life. I dare anyone to say that to my face. I would probably punch them right on the kisser.  I don’t know really what I believe God ha does anymore. I do believe in Heaven as I know our son is there. I just don’t really know exactly how involved God is in life. 

I waited awhile to post this because I’ve been in a funk. I even contemplated just deleting it. Oh well, life goes by and the presence in front of me is more important than finishing a blog post. 
#suddencardiacarrest #cardiacarrhythmia #suddendeath #grief #grieving #mourn #mourning #childloss #lossofchild #mamabear #compassionatefriends #imwithyoumommy #lgbt